A Thankful Heart

It's that time of year again, where we purposefully reflect on the blessings we have.  I find it sad every year it seems we have Halloween and then Christmas marketed early and everyone skips Thanksgiving.  It's a shame because being thankful and counting our blessings can help us keep a positive attitude, and realize just how truly blessed we are.  This year, I decided that I would write about my blessings.  This year, I've learned a lot and hope that through this entry, maybe you too will stop to recount all your many blessings. 

I am thankful for my wonderful husband of 10 years, who loves me and constantly looks out for his family.  He is unselfish and kind, honest, and my hero.  This man that God led me too has been a blessing to me, and in many times through his sweet, giving spirit, I've seen God's love through him.  We have moments where we argue of course, what couple doesn't?  However, my husband is my protector, my lover, and my best friend.  I am truly blessed to have found such a man!

I am thankful for both my boys, both C and M.  C has such a tender spirit, and is much like his daddy where people are concerned.  He loves other children, and his little spirit is crushed when he sees another person hurting.  He wants everyone to feel included, he wants to be everyone's friend.  He sees the world as a place where he can help and make a difference.  M is my youngest, and of course also has a special place in my heart.  M is starting to learn how to read and write, and has such enthusiasm for learning.  It blesses my heart to see him trying with all his might to do what his big brother does.  When he looks at me with his sweet little 4 yr old eyes, and says "mommy I like you," it just melts my heart.  I am so blessed to have two beautiful, healthy little boys.

Of course, in addition to my husband and boys, I'm thankful for the usual things.  My job, my home, my family, etc etc.  However, what I think I'm most thankful for this year is grace.  Within the past few months, God has really spoken to me.  Am I perfect? No! Far from it.  I struggle with my words, pessimism, depression sometimes and all around stress.  However, this year I've really learned more about grace.  More then just the theological terms I've heard and known all my life.  In April (as the previous entry depicts), I was in a car accident that left me terrified.  It left me hurt, scared, and thankful that what could have happened, didn't.  God spared  M and myself, from what could have been so much worse.  I still have some physical evidence in my left arm and hand from that accident.  However, I'm so thankful for that wreck.  God used it to show me my weakness, my mortality and also HIS GRACE.  I've always known and learned in church about God's SAVING grace.  What I hadn't really identified with this year is how to LIVE by grace.  I've always beat myself up about my short comings, my issues, and really felt like I had to clean up my act or God would look on me as less of a Christian.  I've realized by beating myself up constantly, berating myself, and trying desperately to do better so God would love me more, was in fact pride.  All that achieved was making me feel depressed and useless.  When Christ died on that cross for me, He extended grace to me.  Grace that cannot be earned, and by my trying to do better to gain God's favor, I was cheapening the gospel.  I was actually living by works.  I knew you couldn't be saved by works, but here I was unconciously, trying to gain God's favor by trying to earn His grace.  It finally dawned on me this year, that this was not biblical.  When Christ went to the cross, He died for my sins past, present, and future...every bad thing I've ever done or will do.  He CANNOT love me any more or less.  Does that mean I'm free to "live it up" and do what I want because it's already forgiven?  Absolutely not!!  But it is freeing to finally realize in my heart, that God LOVES me in spite of my sin and ugliness, and that my life efforts to do better should be out of gratefulness to  God and His grace, not out of obligation or guilt.  All the things I learned and knew in my head, finally CLICKED.  Grace is so much more then I really understood, and I find myself once again in awe of my wonderful Saviour who loved me so much, loved all of us so much that He would extend such forgiveness to all that would accept it.   HOW EXHILERATING!  HOW FREEING!! HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!  That is why I will say without reservation, that THIS Thanksgiving, I'm most thankful for GRACE!

If you are interested in reading the tremendous book that has helped me understand the concept of living by grace so beautifully, I will include the title.  Read it with a teachable spirit, and I PROMISE, you will be blessed!  The book is Transforming Grace: Living Confidently in God's Unfailing Love.  By Gerald Bridges

Please join me in learning to LIVE by grace and the peace that passes all understanding!!

 

MODERN DAY MIRACLES (A REMINDER)

I have an amazing story to tell, about a very traumatic time for my son and I.  To you, the reader, it may not be all that amazing.  If you are not a believer in the Lord, it may just seem like a ton of random coincidences to you.  However, I am a child of God, and I do not believe in coincidences.  I do believe in miracles.  This story is about miracles God has put in my life, I believe to remind me of two things:  1.  Life is so very, very fragile and can be over in a matter of seconds.  The realm of the natural and the other side of eternity is only a breath away.  2.  My God is bigger than my circumstances, He is bigger and finds ways to communicate that He's still in charge...IF you look and listen.  If you are still with me, here is my story:

April 26, 2012 will never be forgotten, it is cemented in my mind and will forever be that way, I'm convinced.  My 4 year old son and myself got into my blue Ford Explorer that morning, just as we do every morning to take him to the babysitter on my way in to work.  I remember that morning, as I was getting ready,  feeling like something was going to happen...but I attributed it to the fact that my husband and I were set to go out of town for a marriage conference.  We'd been planning it for several months, and in just 24 hrs we would be there...investing in our marriage, in our lives together.  I was so ready to get out of town too, it would be the first weekend away from our boys for 2 nights and we couldn't wait to see what God had in store for us as a couple.  Little did I know, that lesson would be much different then what I had anticipated. 

I buckled my little boy into his booster seat, got in the drivers seat, buckled up...turned on oldies music, gave my son my Windows phone (add shameless plug here) so he could play his preschool games on it,  and headed out the driveway.  Just another morning, sunny and breezy...so beautiful outside that I rolled down the front windows halfway.  We drove along like this, M playing on my phone in the backseat, and me enjoying the breeze and sunshine.  After about 10 minutes or so driving, I came to the intersection that crosses over another road to my babysitters house.  We were almost to our destination.  I stopped at the stop sign, and looked both ways (this is a very bad intersection and I've always been cautious, only one way had the stop sign).  There was a gas station on one side where the cars are parked right up on the road hampering one's view, and there is road construction on the other side making for a very dangerous place to cross.  As I pulled out from the stop sign, I saw it...a blue minivan---way too close, an impact was imminent.  There was someone there after all, and I missed it.  At that split second, I had a choice to make: slam on the brakes or hit the gas and maybe avoid a collision.  MIRACLE #1  I just knew I had to hit the gas...it just happened, I believe that thought was from the Lord.  Later I found out, had I stopped we would have been t-boned, and likely the outcome would have been MUCH worse.  I nearly made it...but was clipped in the back passenger side.  As I heard the impact, the windshield cracked all over, like a giant spider web...and then I felt us turning over on the drivers side.   A feeling I will NEVER forget.  At that moment, I knew I was going to die and had one thought, God please spare my child. I never lost consiciousness, my eyes were wide open, and then the next boom as we hit the ground and turned sideways. The second I registered that we hit the ground, I started screaming for my child.  I screamed his name several times, and finally I heard a very timid quiet scared little voice saying, "I'm ok Mommy."  I managed to unbuckle my seatbelt and stand up while I was yelling for him.  As I turned around and stood on the door, I saw my little boy still belted in his carseat hanging sideways.  He said "Get me out Mommy and began to cry."  I tried so hard to get to him, but I couldn't...and it was at this time I realized, I was hurt.  My arm was crazy swollen, I had a hole in my elbow and a hole in my hand, with blood dripping from both places.  Gross, I know, but it's relevant to the story.  At this point M also realizes I'm hurt and bleeding and gets even more scared.  He manages to unbuckle his seatbelt and stand up looking with a wild look in his eyes for a way out of the car.  However, there wasn't a way out.  I remember screaming for help, and for someone to call 911. I wish I could say I was calm, but I wasn't.  Not knowing how badly I was hurt, thinking my wrist and elbow were fractured, and dripping blood, I tried to put pressure on the gaping hole on my elbow where the bleeding was worst.  I remember a deputy showing up and screaming for him to get my child out of the car.  He was watching me bleed, and he was so scared, we were on the gas tank side...I wanted him OUT of the car.  Of course, they wouldn't do anything until EMS arrived, as I was standing up and hollering and they could tell M was not visibly hurt, and I was bleeding, but not in immediate danger.  Sure didn't feel that way though, I remember telling them to call my husband, to call my job, and to get my child out of the car.  The deputy asked me to turn off the car, which I did but couldn't get the key out of the ignition.  I remember asking if the other people were ok, and they were, their car had sustained minor damage.  When finally the EMS guys arrived, one of them bandaged my arm as best he could through the passenger front window which was halfway down, while the other one looked for a way to get us out.  At their request, I managed, to reach down at my feet and unlock the doors, so the back hatch could be opened.  At my continued insistence they got M out, who looked at me to make sure it was ok, and at my assurance the man was there to help he crawled out the back and to safety.  I remember  asking if I could try to come out too, and was told to wait...as they wanted to be certain the vehicle was braced well enough for me to move around.  After it was determined safe, I too crawled through the car and out the back, stumbling as they held me to the waiting ambulance.  M walked like a big boy with his backpack on and got in the ambulance.  He talked the whole way to the hospital...lol. After a few hours at the hospital, it was decided that I had no broken brones (miracle), and ended up with 9 stitches in my elbow and 6 stitches in my hand.  Miracle # 2 M wasn't hurt at all, and I walked out with minor injuries. 

A few days after the accident, I looked at the pictures of the car and had the strangest revelation.  Remember, that the car had fallen on the drivers side...the side both M and I were on?  Remember, that I thought as we were turning over for God to spare my child?  Remember he wasn't hurt at all?  Then, I saw it...every one of the windows on the drivers side was broken out EXCEPT my baby's.  His window did not even have a crack...NOTHING.  At that moment I was filled with such gratitude and assurance that God had heard my silent prayer and had indeed protected my child!!!  I will call that Miracle #3!!  The next week and a half was challenging as I couldn't work, couldn't really do much for myself.  My dear sweet husband basically had to help me in the shower, get dressed, open medicine bottles...chauffer me around, which he did without complaining.  On Mother's Day, he took me in his arms and told me just how scared he was that me and M were seriously hurt when he got that phone call.  We both teared up, and just held one another...so thankful for God's protection and for each other.  It's funny how when these things happen, you begin to realize how quickly life can change and just how much we take for granted day by day.

Finally, almost 2 weeks in, we get a check from insurance for the totaled vehicle that I had.  Now, we had to look for a vehicle.  I prayed that God would help us find a decent used vehicle, that we could pay cash for comparable to what I had.  We really did not want a car payment.  With $4,804 in hand we prepared ourselves to start looking.  Josh had by this time gone into work, and surprise, we find out that one of Josh's and mine co-worker moonlights as a used car salesman.  He told Josh he thought he had just the vehicle for us.  We had looked at several lots, and everything was too rundown, too much $$, too many miles, etc. He told us to come by after work.  He showed us a Gray Ford Explorer...an Eddie Bauer (nicer then the 2001 Ford Sport Explorer I had).  It was $4500.  Josh and I test drove it, and a few days later after they made some cosmetic changes to it, we went in to pay for it.  After all the fees associated with car title, taxes, registration transfers and everything we paid cash $4807.00....ONLY $3 MORE THEN WHAT WE HAD IN CASH!  Miracle #4 MY GOD GAVE US BACK A NICER FORD EXPLORER THEN WHAT I HAD, AND NO CAR PAYMENT!!  I remember, being surprised that the total of the car was almost exactly what I had (oh me of little faith), but you know what??? IT WAS NO SURPRISE TO GOD WHICH CAR HE WANTED ME TO HAVE, AND HOW MUCH WE WOULD NEED TO GET IT!!

I may never know why God allowed this to happen, especially on this weekend where Josh and I so desperately wanted to go on a weekend trip together and focus on our marriage.  What I do know, is that even though that weekend and those several weeks did not turn out like I had planned, it turned out EXACTLY the way it was supposed too.  Even in this time of trial, my God was there meeting our needs down to the last minute detail.  PRAISE GOD FOR HIS GOODNESS, PROVISION, AND NEVERENDING LOVE TO HIS CHILDREN!!  My prayer for you all, is that you know the God of the Bible, the Jesus who died for all our sins on the cross, in a personal way.  We don't know how long we have on this Earth, or when we will draw our last breath.  In the end, there's you and God, nobody else.  Life is short, may we spend our time here wisely in God's forgiveness and grace.  That way, when it is time for us to leave, we may hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"  I fail my Lord so very many times, but He is longsuffering, and forgiving...and always Jehovah Jireh my provider!!!!